Monday, February 11, 2013

And it's over

He told them, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."
Mark 14:34

We spoke with the lawyer today and agreed that going to court to terminate Grant Jaden's birth father's rights would be too risky. There was still hope among all of us--the lawyer, Bethany, Bethany's lawyer, and friends familiar with family law--that J would change his mind or Bethany would be able to terminate his rights without us. But then our social worker got a call from the birth mother counselor who has been in touch with Grant Jaden's aunt. She wants to adopt Grant Jaden rather than give custody to J when he gets out of jail. She has to have a home study but J won't object to her taking Grant Jaden. So, for all intents and purposes, our role in Grant Jaden's life is over. We are heartbroken.

A few people have asked if we would have done anything differently and the answer is no. We're pretty transparent people. We always have been and have become more so since Garrett's death. Grieving publicly has been a ministry to us and to others and so we will grieve this and hope that maybe someone will benefit from our experience. Too, we did the best we could with the knowledge we had. Everyone was so certain this was going to happen that I have some hospital bracelets that belonged to Grant Jaden that I need to take back to Bethany. I might make Mike do that, though.

I do regret that so many are heartbroken with and for us. But at the same time, I'm selfish in that I am so, so glad I had support and encouragement all this time. I don't know how we could have gone through this emotional turmoil without all of you.

I don't really understand. I don't get why we got so close to having Garrett and then he slipped away. I don't know why we got so close to having Grant Jaden only to have him taken, too. Some moments I think that I just want to be happy with what we have and say goodbye to the idea of adoption because my soul can't take it anymore. But we were so certain this was the right thing. And I have to believe there was a reason that, yet again, a baby changed our lives drastically only to leave. I don't know what it is. I've never been the kind of person to make an idol out of children. I see that I'm not in control--learned that with both bad pregnancies. Maybe it's not me who needs to learn something. If it isn't, whoever God's proving a point to, GET WITH THE PROGRAM I NEED A BREAK.

In the meantime, a meme seems appropriate. This one comes to mind:

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