I wonder if someday I'll stop feeling guilty. Whenever someone I care about has a baby, I am so happy for them. And, at the same time, I am heartbroken for myself. For Mike, who loves babies. And for Autumn, who just doesn't understand...but who does?
Mike's sweet, wonderful sister had a baby today. We're going to visit tonight and it will be a bittersweet time. Lindsay is truly one of the best people in the world. This morning she texted me to ask how I am doing. And last week she told me that if this is ever too hard for me, that she will understand. But, I will plow through because it's Lindsay and I know she's going to be an amazing mom and Kyle is going to be a doting dad.
Nanny called me this morning to tell me she was thinking of me and of Garrett and that she won't forget to take care of us even as she celebrates. As I wonder why life has to be so hard--Grant/Kingston is heavy on my mind--I wonder how I got so lucky to have such a great family.
Autumn is struggling again. She sang, "baby Ellie's coming, baby Ellie's coming!" on the way home from school. On the way to ballet, listening to her Sunday School cd, she suddenly burst out with, "why is baby Garret so far away? I love him and he our baby but we can't take care of him because he's in Heaven." And this morning, after we made plans to visit the hospital when I am done with classes, she asked why my tummy didn't take care of baby Garrett.
It's hard. But I guess it's part of life. Hard questions, no answers. But, still, even as a lot of things crumble in my life right now from that particular path in aikido to our adoption, I guess I'm inherently optimistic. I don't particularly like all these challenges. But, today, at this moment, I feel like it's going to be okay. We've survived much. We will survive more.
Autumn's pages in our profile book, click to see a larger one: