Saturday, February 2, 2013

So tired

I'm so tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I'm so tired that I'm posting this on the sofa,using my phone, with the cat on my lap.

Bethany has made an appointment with the birth father. I found out his name so we'll call him J. It's 9:30 am Monday. I know you're sick of me asking, but please pray. I spoke with our social worker. J wants to parent Grant Jaden. In this case, it means asking his mom to do it because J can't for a variety of reasons.

I told Mike while he was at work. He came home later with a look on his face that I haven't seen on his face since he held Garrett's body. I hoped never to see that look again.

Because of the circumstances and what we know of J's past, we (me, Mike, Bethany, birth mother K), all believe that becoming a Colley is in Grant Jaden's best interest. I may not be entirely rational because I...I can't wrap my brain around the small possibility that I might have to send Grant Jaden to grow up in circumstances not dissimilar to my own awful childhood.

Mike is feeling better today. I asked him to write something for the blog so you might hear from him. And don't worry, my friends, I am not in despair but I am just so very tired. I simply pray that God moves in J's heart today and tomorrow. Supernaturally. Sacrificially. And that's about all I have left.

My mom sent me a nice verse this morning:
Wait on the Lord. Be of courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord.Psalm 27:14

And now, it is time to recharge. :) Autumn just replaced Molly on my lap.


  1. It's not over yet. Prayers lifting

    1. Thank you. :) Mike and I are so lucky we ran into all of you at the gym so many months ago!

  2. God can work miracles!!

    ...but if He chooses not to, He still has a plan. Even when it hurts. Even when we can't see what it is or why. It doesn't make it easier, but He gives grace to slog through. <3


    1. Thank you so much for your prayers! And, boy, do we know all about grace even when it's hard. That's actually what Mike's future guest post will be about. He said something super profound last night. He told me to write it down but I didn't and can't remember the exact words...I sure hope he does!

  3. As I was reading your blog post, Todd Field's version of "It is Well" happened to be playing on Spotify:

    "When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
    When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
    It is well, it is well, with my soul.
    It is well, it is well. Through the storm I am held.
    It is well with my soul."

    Praying for you, for J, and for little Grant.

    1. Thank you, Lauren. Mike and I were just talking about the song and the author of it yesterday so it's cool that it came up for you, too.

  4. Phew. I could use some good luck in my extended family life.