Get Up Again

Last week was kind of weird. It's finally spring here and I love it. Even though I cannot stop sneezing. Autumn had a great week at school, Mike's work wasn't too bad, I got a lot of things done, but I guess sometimes things just jump up and knock me down! But I'm not out of the fight yet.

Autumn had a rough spot around Easter. I think it's all the talking about Jesus dying. On Good Friday, she started leaking tears after we read about the Last Supper. She wanted to know what would happen to her if Mike or I died before she did. Or Molly the Cat. The three of us chatted a bit and I think she felt better. We generally talk about how because Jesus came back to life, we come back to life in Heaven when we die. And that while we're here on earth, we can have hope even when sad things happen. I was pretty concerned that reading her Bible is what got her so upset but then Lainey told me that Autumn asked about "mama and papa" dying before her on Thursday afternoon, so I guess it's been on her mind, poor thing! But, Lainey also said right after asking about it, she moved on to a new subject. Dying Easter eggs or something. Hooray for childhood resilience, right?

I had my own rough day Easter morning. It's so silly but seeing my friends post their kids in matching Easter outfits, that's so hard. I'm sure any friends dealing with loss or infertility know exactly what I mean, though. And then we got to our church's service and there was this really freaking adorable baby in front of us and she kept staring at me and grinning! I'm not exactly what anyone would call a "baby person" but, man, I told Mike that the baby was taunting me with what I don't have! I was mostly kidding.


Kind of the worst moment of the week, though, came on Thursday. Right before my preschool class (I'll tell you something funny about that class this week), I got a text from A, Grant Jaden's former caregiver. He has a new caregiver because, apparently, he's going to be in interim care for several months. We'll call her J. J needs to put Grant Jaden on WIC and wanted his hospital bracelets which I forgot I had. Sigh. And A mentioned that she was going to have Grant Jaden this weekend and did we want to visit him. And the answer is absolutely not because I cannot under any circumstances handle that. Mike is on the same page, thank goodness. So, I got Grant Jaden's baby book (wah!) out of the pile on my desk and pulled the bracelets out. I was going to take them to Bethany but I decided just to mail them to our social worker. And then I put the baby book with Garrett's funeral things.


It's just little things, you know? Like yesterday I was working on my big painted rug project (I think I bit off more than I can chew on that one!) and Mike was clipping holly tree runners. Autumn mostly played near us but at one point she was just...sitting....at the end of the driveway, staring at her Aunt Lindsay's house, hoping she'd bring Ellie out. Autumn has a great "only child" personality. Probably because she is an only child for all practical purposes. But still. She'd love having a sibling so much. And she looked so very lonely. Mike and I sat down and watched her. It's a hard thing. We love our little family. I am happy with Autumn. And I miss Garrett. And I miss Grant Jaden. It's strange to feel so blessed and so bereft all at once.