Monday, August 19, 2013

Day of Hope



"One day you'll move on; you'll get over it." People think it. A handful say it out loud. And, no. I won't move on. I move forward. I grow with the knowledge of great loss and great love. I live on wondering what he'd look like. Who he'd become. What his first word might have been. Would he have been quiet or loud or somewhere in the middle...nurturing like his papa or rough around the edges like his mama. Or like neither of us and both of us, much like his big sister.

This is the beginning of our hope and remembrance garden. It has two bushes. One for each birthday we have missed. There's a bunny for the baby bunny the nursery never hosted. Pinwheels spin to remind us of the things we cannot see. There is a stepping stone with a sun and gem flowers and the name Autumn because there can be no Garden of Hope without something that our sweet ray of Sunshine created.


Today there is a prayer flag, joining hundreds (and maybe thousands) of other flags around the world. Ours is made of bits from our lives. Autumn's dresses, our bedroom curtains, a fuzzy from the fuzzy jar, and buttons from our clothes over the years, stitched mostly by hand and with family hovering around. Our flag has Garrett's name and his bunny on it, true enough. But this year, our flag reminds us that we do have hope--to see Garrett again, that someday we will have a baby in that always-empty nursery that has been prepared and abandoned twice in as many years, that God will sustain us. In the midst of sorrow, disappointment, joy, grief, and love we have hope. It's hard to remember sometimes. We see the prophets and the disciples in the Bible experience signs and wonders and we wonder how they can doubt. I know how. Because I doubt all the time. I can't see the big picture no matter how many amazing things God does around me. I can't see the image the puzzle is making when things don't go the way I thought they should. But, I see the wind. I remember the miracles, sometimes. I am grateful to be alive even when I am bone tired and don't know how I can go on. Because I have hope.

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