Wednesday, October 30, 2013

CYG, Day 30: Growth

Capture Your Grief, Day 30. Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?

Couldn't get in the water back then because of stitches.

I started out this post with some serious angst and I'm not really sure why because I'm in a pretty good mood and Halloween is tomorrow. I loooove Halloween. Actually, that might be part of why I have a tinge of melancholy tonight. I WANT ANOTHER BABY TO DRESS UP.

Anyway, I know I've grown and that I'll continue to grow. I know that Garrett was here and I am here for a reason. Sometimes I don't know what those reasons are and other times I get a fleeting glimpse.

I don't know if I see people differently but I do know I'm more aware of the whys in people's behavior and I try to have compassion which isn't my natural inclination. I'm kind of a "just do something already" person but I know not everyone is that way all the time. Even I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps all the time.

I told Tamara once that I look around sometimes and wonder whose life is falling apart, who just met the One; who was fired or who got their dream job. I remember running errands after Garrett died that were so painfully normal and thinking that my life has fallen apart and no one has noticed. I will follow that crying person out of the service someday, just like the one single person who has ever checked on me in all the many times I've left church in tears. I don't care how embarrassing it is. I'd rather be rebuffed than let someone cry alone in the bathroom if I can help it.

So, yeah. I've grown. I'm growing. But here's the thing: I would have grown anyway. This is just growing in a different direction than I expected.

***

Some sad news, the Capture Your Grief Facebook event page has been taken down. I didn't see it happen but internet trolls decided to descend upon it and harass some of the people posting, among other horrible things. I get that some people don't want to see a person grieve. I get that some people don't like all of the pictures people post. And, you know what? I don't like all of them either. But I simply move along and accept that not everyone grieves the way I do and not everyone has the same threshold of acceptance as I have. I don't find them and harass them. I really hate it because there were a lot of men and women in delicate places, either posting for the first time or considering it. And then this happens. Please pray for everyone involved. Both the families and friends who have lost children and endured this further pain and the people who inflicted the pain.

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