Tuesday, March 11, 2014

In Memory of Xenia: A Guest Post by Christine

I usually introduce guest posts with a story about the writer but you know Christine. Two years ago I wrote about a funny episode when visiting her church, later that year she made me cry when she wrote a piece for Garrett's first birthday, and a year and a half ago she made me cry again when she gave her daughter my name. Mike and I had our first "date" at Christine and Jason's house back when there was only Patrick. Now they have nine. And last week this family that has been so much a part of my life for the last 16 years said goodbye to tiny, sweet Xenia, baby Davis the 9th. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You know so well how much your post resonates with my heart.

“God is good.”

This is a comment I’m seeing a lot on my Facebook today, typed under words like “Congratulations!” and “She’s gorgeous!” all underneath a picture of a red faced squinty eyed beautiful brand-new baby girl.

No one wrote that under my birth announcement.

“Xenia Diane Mary Davis' tiny body was born at 2:11 am. She is beautiful. We are very sad and very thankful for her. She will be buried on our land with a short service early next week; you are welcome to attend if you would like. More details later. Thank you all so much for your love and prayers.”

I suppose it wouldn’t have been considered quite “correct” in the etiquette department. “Memory Eternal” and “I’m so sorry” and “((((Hugs))))” abounded. That’s good and I was and am thankful for those comments of love and support. But you know what?

God is good. Even when my baby is dead.

Another loved one, a family member, wrote “My heart is broken for you. I hope you find peace soon.”

I want to answer her, but am not sure how, in the quick note format Facebook uses and the long times between contact. I have peace. I had peace from the moment I saw my precious daughter’s skull and backbone on the ultrasound screen and the just as obvious lack of heartbeat. I’m sad. I’m so so sad. I miss her and I want her back in me, safe and alive and anticipated. But I have peace.

God is good. Even when the circumstances aren’t.

Weirdly, the peace came easier to me in my tragedy than it did in my friends’. When Sharaze’s Garrett died, I railed. When the adoptions fell through, when other friends of mine had miscarriages and infertility I questioned. I guess, in some horrible wonderful way, this is my answer, and I have peace.

God is good. Even when life isn’t.

He didn’t kill Garrett. He didn’t kill my Xenia. Not to make a point, not to bring people closer to him, not to answer my questions or punish my blindness. Tragedy is not created by Him, they are natural occurrences of a world full of sin. Peace and hope, those are engineered by God, and they make far less sense in this world than pain and death. What would we do without them?

I’m going to see Xenia again. Sharaze is going to see Garrett again. In this life I will never not hurt again. In the next, I will hold and kiss my daughter. What would I do without knowing that? That God is good.

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