|This is one of the brief moments when it wasn't raining.|
And we have a lot. No, we don't have the big family we and nearly everyone else expected we'd have. But...we have each other. I have Mike and Autumn and even grumpy Molly the cat. We have wonderful friends who love us. We have incredible family. We have jobs. A warm house. A great school. Jobs we like. Faith, battered but marching on.
Mike and I had a good conversation in the car about how our marriage has had crazy ups and crazy downs. We talked about how maybe the secret of looking back and saying, "it was a good life," is going to be not getting mired down in what didn't happen. We grieve our losses. Acknowledge them. Embrace them. Live them. And we move forward. We don't leave it behind and pretend our sadnesses never happened but we will carry them and learn and grow and--in the same breath that it never quite leaves me that something, someone, is missing--appreciate what there is with an intensity we might not have had before.
And so we soul search to see what is next. What path will we take now?
I'll leave off with what Carly Marie, the founder of Project Heal wrote for this day because it's excellent. Mike co-signs.
They told me I would feel sad for a long time, but no one said anything about anxiety. No one said it would creep in when the sadness eased and cripple me at times. No one said it would stop me from sleeping. No one said it would affect the way I parent my living children and how it would almost kill me to separate fro(m) them. No one said anything about the nightmares. No one said anything about the bitterness I would feel when I saw other pregnant women. No one told me I would have to struggle to not verbally abuse someone for complaining about how hard they have it with parenting their beautiful living children. No one told me what I should write when the form asks me how many children do I have. No one ever said I would miss him forever.
They said I would feel joy again but it wouldn't be the same. They were right, it is a much deeper joy now. No one told me that grief was just a deeper form of love. No one said that grief didn't have to be my enemy. No one said anything about how my life would be irrevocably changed through the incredible life changing friendships that I would forge. No one told me that I would find my life's purpose in the depths of my grief. And no one ever said that I would be grateful for the lessens and the experience.
Capture Your Grief, Day 14: DARK/LIGHT. Today we are acknowledging the dark and the light sides of grief. The ugly and the beauty. The bitter and the sweet. The anger and the peace. You might want to write about the moments when everything falls apart or maybe the moments where our eyes are opened to the gifts that this journey has in store for us. Or maybe you just want to write about both.